Woe is I

Dear Aunt Anna,

I know this sounds shallow, but my girlfriend uses really bad grammar, and it drives me nuts. To the point that I'm thinking about breaking up with her. I am overreacting?

Militant Grammarian
Boston, MA

Dear David,

Listen, if it bugs you that much, either buy her a copy of Strunk & White or break up with her. I don't really give a damn either way. Maybe grammar really is that important to you (I feel this is unlikely). Or maybe you've decided to fixate on this particular issue because it gives you a reason to break up with her while sounding less like a dickhead and more like an over-educated, snobbish jackass. I'm not really in a position to say. Either way, I'm guessing you're both better off if you break up with her.

Also, if that was meant to be a clever little Infinite Jest reference, I think you have answered my question definitively*. Jackass.

Aunt Anna needs her medicine, so all of you go away now.


*I apologize to all three of the tolerable people out there who are still quoting Infinite Jest.

Breaking up is hard to do, if you are a pansy about it

Anna,

I’ve been seeing someone for about six months now. We started out pretty casually, but for the last month or two we’ve been hanging out more and more often. The problem is that I’ve really just been hanging out with this person because I’m bored. The more time I spend with them, the more I start to wonder why I bother spending time with them. What’s the best way to end things without hurting their feelings?

J.C.
Santa Rosa, CA

Dear J.C.,

I’m making an exception and using your actual signature, because you didn’t use one of those made-up tag lines that annoys me so greatly. So at least one part of your letter didn’t annoy me. If you were here, I would give you a freshly-baked cupcake. I would then smack you upside the head, but at least you would have a cupcake. So imagine you have a cupcake while I answer your question. It may help. Now, on to your question:

Don’t be an ass. You’re not going to be able to break up with this person without hurting their feelings. What you are saying is, essentially, “Thanks, but no thanks.” This is not something that fills anyone with sunshine and happiness. Ponies do that, yes. Breakups, no. Instead, you should suck it up and break it off. Maybe don’t tell them you find their company so tedious you would rather stare at the blank walls of your apartment than waste another moment listening to their mindless prattle*, but don’t get all wishy-washy about it, either. You sound like the kind of person who could be talked out of a breakup. Don’t be. Steel your nerves, sit them down, and say, “Hey, it’s been fun, but this isn’t something I’m interested in continuing.” If necessary, enumerate the reasons. That alone will probably make them so sad/angry/resigned that you won’t have to explain further.

And for god’s sake, PLEASE do not engage in any of that namby-pamby, let’s-still-be-friends crap. Nobody likes that. Listen, you’re breaking up. Feelings will be hurt. If you haven’t been dating that long, and you haven’t gotten that serious, then don’t flatter yourself: they will get over you. This should make you happy. Then maybe, a few months or years down the road, you can run into each other randomly and have one of those wonderfully awkward, pretend-friendly, vowel-elongating moments where you’re both like, “Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in so loooooooong! How have you beeeeeeeeen? It’s so good to see yooooooooouuu!”

For a response that boils down to: “Suck it up and break it off, already”, this has gone on absurdly long. Aunt Anna would apologize, but she doesn’t care. I hope you enjoyed your cupcake.

Kisses,
Aunt Anna


*If you’re wondering, yeah, saying this will probably make someone cry. In my experience it will, anyway.