[REDACTED]

Dear Aunt Anna,

I’m totally into my girlfriend, and we’ve been dating for, like, four months now, but she won’t stop bugging me about the girls I dated before I met her and shit like that. I keep telling her that I don’t think that stuff matters, and I don’t ask her about it, but she won’t stop. Should I cave in and tell her, or what?

Keeping It To Myself
Oakland, CA

(Okay, so I’ve decided I can’t bring myself to address the people who write in my the ridiculous names they choose, so I will henceforth be referring to you all by whatever name strikes my fancy.)

Dear Oscar,

Listen, your girl sounds lovely (this is a polite lie - she sounds like a prying little wench, but anyway), but it’s no one’s damn business what you got up to before you met her. Unless you’ve been posting it for all the world to see on the internet or something, or you have a series of incriminating photos posted on your Facebook (and if you’re stupid enough to post pics from that time you were in Vegas during a stripper convention, then dude, you are beyond my help), then screw her for asking. The clock starts when you guys start dating. What happened before that is your business. If she continues to pester, ask her a series of embarrassingly personal questions. If she gets pissed, then you can get off a nice little quid pro quo line, a la Silence of the Lambs. If she answers them, then start googling around to find her blog. Anyone that into oversharing HAS TO have a blog. It’s like a rule or something.

Does that help? Well, I’m not sure I care, but I guess I must, since I took the time to answer you. Whatevs.

Wearily,
Aunt Anna