Paunch-o & Lefty

[Listen, it has been a long week of planning weddings (not mine; I am determined to remain a spinster aunt FOREVER) and hobnobbing with the elite of the stuffy side of the internet (read: CondeNet’s editorial staff, because I am basically super important), and that is why there was no post yesterday. That is also why today’s post is (maybe) going to be a little… sucky. But here goes.]

Dear Anna,

Last week my girlfriend mentioned something about my “cute little paunch”. I didn’t even realize, but I’ve totally gained weight since we started dating, and now I do have a “little paunch” (I don’t think there’s anything cute about it.) My girlfriend claims she doesn’t care at all, but I can’t help feeling like she thinks I’m less attractive now. Any insight on whether I might be right?

Dumple
SF

Dumple,

First off: Y-E-S. Not to your question, but to your name. Excellent work. In recognition, I will probably be slightly less snarky. I draw your attention to this because otherwise you probably wouldn’t notice. (Ex: “Hey, is the nitrogen content in the atmosphere slightly higher today?” “The hell? Maybe.” I realize this example doesn’t make much sense, so to flog it to death, nitrogen comprises such a large percentage of the atmosphere that a miniscule change would scarcely be noticeable, and now is the moment where I look down at you, pat you on the head, and say, “But don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.” Your daily dose of condescension, in what may be the most unnecessary parenthetical comment of all time).

Without any more information, I can tell you that you’re deadass wrong. When you really love a person, you do think of things like their paunch as “cute”. Or, really, you don’t think of them one way or the other. I’m guessing your girl really cares about you, and thus really doesn’t give a damn if you’ve chunked out a little.*

This isn’t to say she won’t care if you balloon up to orca-size, though, so maybe think about doing a crunch or two, or maybe switch to g&t’s instead of beer. It’s classier, too!

Putting the “lass” in “classy”,

Aunt Anna

*Men: now is a good time to ask yourself whether you would care if the woman you love chunked out a little. If the answer is yes, then you are a terrible person. If it is no, stop lying.**

**Just my little joke. Anyway, point is, gender notwithstanding, you don’t care about these kind of things when you’re in love with someone. This is because love makes you stupid.***

***Not my little joke. For reals.